Toe-ing the line -

DUII

First, this is not, nor should it be construed as, legal advice.  This is just a few facts I wanted to share, my personal "opinion", if you will.

Second, don't do it.  Don't drink and drive.  The cost of cab fair is far, far less than the statutory minimum fine in most states.  Just take a damn cab.

• Be polite, but don’t think you can charm your way out of a ticket. Particularly at this time of year, they have already called in your license plate number and you are almost in the system now. Everything you say is subject to being quoted or misquoted.
• On answering the “have you had anything to drink tonight?” It would be inappropriate for me to suggest anyone lie to a police officer, although lying to a police officer is not a crime in most states. That said, the laws generally prohibit “driving under the influence,” not “driving while intoxicated.” In most jurisdictions, this means the state need only prove you were influenced. Having a .08 is, in most jurisdictions, a legal standard for being under the influence, but I know several people who were successfully charged, despite only having a .06 (and even lower). By telling the police officer that (1) you have drank; (2) when you last drank; or (3) how much you drank is just handing the state evidence against you.
• Breathalyzer: you should almost never refuse it, as you will automatically lose your license for at least a year. However, and your jurisdiction may vary, but in most jurisdictions, the “field” breathalyzer (that administered on the side of the road) is inadmissible in court. It is only used to gather “probable cause” to arrest you for drunk driving, and when you are at the police station, you will be asked to take an official one. In my state, you can lawfully refuse the “field” breathalyzer if you tell the officer that you will submit to the official breathalyzer (or blood test) at the police station. If you are on the margins of .08, this will buy you additional time, which is the only thing that brings that number down.
• Field sobriety tests: This is the “touch your nose, say the alphabet, walk the line” test. Again, your jurisdiction may vary, but in most, the field sobriety test is not mandatory - you won’t lose your license for a year or anything. This is because the test is subjective and completely dependent on the officer’s observations (“subject slurred the letter g,” “subject slightly weaved while walking the line”). Unless it is videotaped, you have no way to challenge the officer’s report of how you performed. At least in Washington, it is the strong advice of top DUI attorneys that you NEVER take the field sobriety test, as you are just giving them evidence that can rarely be challenged, and is given a strong presumption of truth because an officer of the law swore to it. Politely decline and again offer to take a breath or blood test at the station.
• Keep your mouth shut: Bears repeating. It rarely, rarely helps you and almost always hurts you. Be polite, be succinct, volunteer nothing.

Again, not advocating drunk or buzzed driving whatsoever. Just passing along information that may prove valuable if you ignore the advice to take a cab and get behind the wheel with ANY alcohol in your system.

Happy Holidays!

EXACTLY! The always amazing, Mindy Kalling, took the words right out of my enormous mouth....

Until I was 30, I dated only boys. I’ll tell you why: Men scared the sh*t out of me. Men know what they want. Men own alarm clocks. Men sleep on a mattress that isn’t on the floor. Men buy new shampoo instead of adding water to a nearly empty bottle of shampoo. Men make reservations. Men go in for a kiss without giving you some long preamble about how they’re thinking of kissing you. Men wear clothes that have never been worn by anyone else before […] At this point you might want to smack me and say: “Are you seriously just another grown woman talking about how she wants a man who isn’t afraid of commitment?” Let me explain! I’m not talking about commitment to romantic relationships. I’m talking about commitment to things—houses, jobs, neighborhoods. Paying a mortgage. When men hear women want a commitment, they think it means commitment to a romantic relationship, but that’s not it. It’s a commitment to not floating around anymore. I want a guy who is entrenched in his own life. Entrenched is awesome

I wish

I had a life coach to follow me around, taking the Jack and Cokes out of my hand.....you know, before shit gets weird? That is a service I would pay for.

They give you the tools....

Don't bring a clipboard to an interview and reference your notes that are handwritten on a copy of your resume from it. Ever.

Also, do not refer to yourself in the fucking third person.  i.e. "Portland was too big for Mike".  Not ok.

Finally, if you did, indeed, work at Enterprise Rent a Car at some point, you most certainly cannot, under any circumstances, make a Step Brothers style reference to it.  He literally said "They encouraged me to not only manage a branch, but to BRANCH myself". 

Dumb girl

Exactly

Everything happens for a reason.
Except for the things you fuck up by yourself.

— Word Boner